August 11, 2003

Talking to Fathers

Tonight I will be spending some time with a woman who is expecting her third baby, and her partner, who is becoming a father for the first time. He is understandably nervous about his role and has not been very forthcoming about his feelings on the issue. His lack of communication and apparent unwillingness to get involved with the pregnancy (they have separated) is making the woman very anxious and she is concerned that this may affect the progress of her labour. I have been asked to talk to the father to see if some useful progress can be made and some forward plans established regarding his presence at the birth, which he has stated is important to him.

The needs of fathers and their feelings about birth is often a major factor in the way many labours unfold. Too often, fathers are marginalised as the focus of attention is placed firmly on the woman and what she needs during the pregnancy and birth. I have come across many examples of prenatal classes where the father is seen as almost a bothersome presence that needs to be tolerated rather than a vital influence and important person with rights and feelings. I have witnessed midwives ignoring the father, completely unaware of how his anxiety is impacting on his spouse’s labour. I have also talked with many men who really enjoyed the birth and found it uplifting and magical - experiences enhanced by supportive care and inclusive attention to both his and her needs as the labour progressed.

My aim tonight will be to offer this man a chance to talk about what this birth means for him and to explore ways of making it easier for him to be present. We’ll look at practical measures and perhaps view a video that shows some of the behaviours he might see as the labour develops. He has received a copy of my booklet Preparing for Birth: Fathers, which is the only publication of its kind in the world. I trust it will have helped him frame some questions that we might explore further.

Sometimes talking to a stranger can be easier than talking to a partner, and whilst I will not be offering any suggestions regarding their personal relationship, I hope that I can offer some positive ideas that can at least make this time together during the labour as good as it can be, so that their son will be welcomed with love from both of them. It looks like being an interesting night!

Posted by andrea at August 11, 2003 06:32 PM

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